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Dear True LoveDear true love,
I just wanted to write to you
And say that well well...i was touched
That you went to so much effort
To give me such "exquisite" gifts
But true love don't do it again
Your knowledge of me is quite poor
Every day of Christmas was hell
And I feared the bell at my door
A partridge, Swans, French hens and doves
I admit were lovely in song
But since I have Ornithophobia*
The choice of birds was wrong
Those five days of fowls at my door
Sent me screaming to a right royal mess
Here's a tip next time you spend cash;
What's wrong with a simple white dress?
I don't even like fruit
So what was with the pear?
(I couldn't even go near the tree
Since the darn bird was there)
The only thing you got right, boy
Was my love of golden rings
But my love turned sour, cheapskate!
When I found they're only toy rings!
I've never liked dancing
So when the ninth day came
Ladies tangoed into my house
Then forced me to do the same!
The other random folks you sent
Were just as bad a
Rudolph's ConfessionRudolph's Confession
Without trying to be boastful
I think I can safely admit
That out of all the reindeers here
That number one is where I sit
The whole wide world adores me
And remember my name quite well
But the world doesn't know my secret
so I guess now it's time to tell.
I came to the north pole workshop
A bright eyed (and nosed) newbie guy
Santa signed me up straight away
And promised me I'd be sky high
That year I led the foggy way
My red gleaming nose and I soared!
The taunting and teasing stopped dead
And I was now loved and adored
But the following year changed that
When I asked to fly lead again
Santa gave a shake of his head
And proceeded to explain
This is no foggy Christmas Eve
My sight's fine, I think you'd agree
Last year was only a once of
So Rudolph, stop badgering me!
Little did I know Mr. Claus
had stuck in a 'clause' of his own
The contract I signed years ago
Banned me from 'Perfect weather zones'
Clear skies I'm not allowed to fly
Only under fog and d
Class of 2009The Class of 2009 (Thank you, come again.)
You've got your claps
You've got your cheers
You've got signatures
And photos with peers
Now get the fuck out.
You heard me.
Yes it's all very sweet
To watch you all go
But we've now got to plan
The 2010 show
You're on your own now, kid
We wash our hands clean
Of bells and schoolbooks
And a daily routine
We've controlled how you think
For thirteen years
Our contract is now up
It's you who now steers
Oh come now, don't cry
I thought we planned this
We told you it was inevitable
That life's not all bliss
You'll hit speed humps
And not have us to aid
And while you lay there
You'll wish you would have stayed
So have fun out there
No reason to be afraid!
Thank you, come again
Thanks for having played!
Chinese WhispersChinese Whispers
Chinese Wisp errs
Chime ease puss puss
Try knees whiskers
Tai needs slippers
Tied his hip hurts
Writer's BlockI cant write for the life of me.
Theres just nothing coming up in
My mind for my creative side to see
And pick and choose a thing
To write so candidly about.
This blasted writers block
Throws me into doubt
Puts my mind in lock
And throws away the key.
Now as I sit in my chair
Staring at a blank white page
Giving a blank white stare
Right back at me...
I try so hard to place
Pen to paper and turn the sea
Into a river of words
But in my haste;
I end up frying my brain
With will power instead of contents
On my page. All I gain
Is a few scribbles... and all this nonsense
Is throwing me into a fit of rage
Of horrible red hot hate!
If only I could fill this page
oh hang on, wait
A Pirate-y LimerickThere once was a pirate named Jack
who was always told he had a knack
for drinking all the rum,
‘specially when he was glum,
until he got stabbed in the back.
anapests-and-ink: A LimerickA tall girl, called anapests-and-ink
Found herself starting to shrink.
She needed solutions
To make her ablutions:
Now she takes all her baths in the sink.
Cute LimerickA cat and mouse live in my house
and I each day they tend to rouse,
chasing each other all around
waking me with fighting sounds,
but never do wake up my spouse.
LimericksHe was a mess with crumbs in his beard
fighting night and day with pests he feared.
So he called for a truce
then shook the crumbs loose
and all the hungry mice cheered.
There was once a captain so blue
who loved a maiden so true.
But when she was his bride
it was quite a surprise
when he found her with his whole crew!
The Modeler's LamentIt’s Christmas time! A time of joy!
A time to buy and quake,
For I have bought my model “toy”
And it is time to make!
The box was so seductive,
And my ideas were so productive
The plastic was oh so sexy,
And the parts were oh so complexy.
Instruction whispered in my ear;
“C’mon, try me, have no fear.”
The wife, she found me in the bed,
With the packaging pillowed my head
And as I shuffled to the couch,
My shoulders hung low in a slouch,
I vowed to glue my styrene mistress
Let no mere marriages belay my interests
With glue and putty I’ll set to work!
Why, I’ll win that contest with a smirk!
A master craftsman I’ll show to them,
My artistry, they shall not condemn!
With brass and aftermarket it will shine with fire
They’ll bow to me and perspire
With 30x mag, I’ll paint their eyebrows
That’ll show those styrene highbrows!
I’ll laugh with glee, just they wait and see!
For thirty years I’ve been a
Random Insult Poem Child Friendly-ish VersionIf you were any stupider
You'd mistake the Moon for Jupiter
Yet I can say with little mirth
That the Earth, reminds me of your girth
That is to say you're fat
Don't pretend you understood
If you were a Volvo
There'd be nowt beneath the hood
If you were a Volvo
Volvo would go bust
So make like a used car
Stay there and rust
For rust would make you prettier
That's quite how dire you are
You're the back of an old bus
That dreams to be a star
But you couldn't tell one from a planet
If it smacked you in the face
You want to be
As good as me
You're simply a disgrace!
O Christmas Tree - LimerickMy Christmas tree, shining brightly,
shouldn't, I say, be taken lightly:
the decos are crazy
we shoulda been lazy;
too bad if you hate unsightly!
leyghan: A LimerickThere was a young lady called leyghan
Who decided to build her own ray-gun.
But when you go out to play
Always point it away...
Two months later, the trauma is fadin'.
Late Night CerealShe texted me to ask for milk,
A query so surreal,
For she was of the hungry ilk
Who craved for cereal.
Alas, I had no milk but soy,
Which she was wary to deploy
Within her bowl,
Within her bowl,
Her face showed she did not taste joy.
Oh Special K! 'Twas not the day
She meant for you to swim
With Mister Two-Percent, and play
Your tasty games with him.
The box was done, your final breath
Could only end in runny death.
A soggy grave was all she left.
All times, both good and bad, must end
In peacefulness or pain.
One moment, by your side a friend,
The next, gone and estranged.
While we still live, let's take control,
Together, let's live to the full
Like milk and flakes,
Like milk and flakes,
Creamy, crunchy in the bowl.
An ode to NetspeakNetspeak (150 characters)
Im not one for netspeak
It really makes me sick
To throw aside our syntax
And make yourself look thick
Is all the space we need
For our hopes, our dreams, our aspirations!
(it costs more if we exceed)
Orwell thought this would happen
But called it newspeak (the quack!)
If he had have changed the w
Hed be more along our track
Say whatever you want
But dont keep it simple and plain!
Whats that you write? Brb?
Lol we do exclaim!
We feel the need to tell eachother
How we look when we have read
All our lols lmaos and rofls
We wouldnt want to have mislead
But dont think youll avoid it
It happens to the best
So start using those num63r5
nd gve ths vwls a rst
So heres to you, netspeak
You grammar ignoring fad
As far as idiom revolutions go
Youre the best weve ever had
Keep in Touch!
^Nyx-Valentine arrived in our community and started whipping everyone into a frenzy with her relentless desire to bring the Artistic Nude and Fetish galleries to the fore. 9 years later, and it's safe to say that Nyx is not only a leader as a photographer in these galleries, but she has also established herself as a much saught after model. ^... Read More